It is interesting how you can try to discover hidden beliefs and behaviours to release them, you know they are there but you can’t ‘see’ them. You can’t see the root to grab and yank it up for good.
Yet sometimes they just appear naturally there, as if served up for you without really having to try, just by allowing yourself to run the course.
I had made a comment in a spiritual chat room I frequent and I had one of those responses from another that dismisses you as rude when you know full well that what they think you meant, isn’t what you meant. Yet when you try to reiterate what you meant, it is brushed of as ‘needing to justify’ and the other defends their own understanding by refusing any importance in your own meaning of your on words, thus making any response complete blocked off.
I could see quite clearly what he was doing, the self-defense hidden within his words chosen to present a judgement of me, meant to knock me down. All the while making any opening for the truth blocked as to not disturb their sense of superiority brought about by the illusion they had fabricated. In fact it was so clear to me I was a little shocked.
I went quiet for a while as things stirred within me, then I became agitated, upset then angry. This allowed that one thought that did it all for me:
‘I am sick of this, why should I try to be nice and kind for their benefit when they only what they want to see anyway!’
It took me a moment to cotton onto what this thought actually meant. I realised, I was putting on a false self for what I perceived to benefit others. To give them the sense of a nice, friendly person that wouldn’t resist or deny them in any way, though they were not even seeing that false front to start with, only what they wanted to see, so why was I even bothering?
I have always had a ‘thing’ over how others see me (must be all that Libra in my chart), seeing myself through another’s eyes, therefore presenting a front that I wanted people to see me as, not in some other persons misunderstanding of.
As I was describing this to someone else I wrote to them ‘I just need to talk to someone’ and I started to cry. ‘I’, not the false front, but the real me needed to talk to someone. I allowed myself to realise this through some resistance and let it pour out.
I decided, for my benefit I would only be authentic to me. After all, how can I expect others to see the authentic me, if I am not being authentic myself! I maybe have a lot of Libra in my chart, though I am also Aries with my sun in Aries, so that independent, individual streak was being sorely held back, though no longer.
Yes I had resistance, fear that by not upholding this friendly front that it mean I would turn into the bitch queen, though that is just the Libra talking that created the front to start with. So we shall see what lies beneath.