Ok.. something is saying that for whatever reason, I am not allowed to be/have access to all the deeply good stuff of the human emotion! That life can’t be or isn’t meant to be, that am never able to be happy etc.
Why not? What or who says I can’t? What makes them have that authority to decide such a thing? How would they even know? They, is there a ‘they’? Guess not. Who made me believe such a thing and why would I think they are right?
I think I have lost my faith, in my own ability to be truly happy. Deep down happiness. The possibility to even find such a thing, that it can be had whilst living in this world, like, it’s not meant to be that way.
Adding onto that, I somehow see it as my own fault, that I brought it upon myself. That I somehow, somewhere, did something wrong and this is my irreversible penance.
Going deep within with my awareness… I feel like, I ‘fell’ due to something I did. ‘Fell from grace’, ‘fell from the heavens’, fell drastically to where I am now, through the dimensions.
I am not religious at all, though I accept the symbolic nature of how there are being presented to be in a fashion I can comprehend. Rather like the dream where all this was brought to my attention from my inner depths.
I did something wrong, I ‘fell’ and I am now here…in the dark where voices tell me I was abandoned to a cruel fate. No one bothered to try save me…Hell isn’t a place, it’s a space. A space where you are, yet also where you are not. Cut apart from your essence and locked in a black room under the belief that this is your next eternity. Forever asking ‘what happened?’, ‘where am I?’, ‘how did I get here?’…..’who am I?’ with loneliness, fear and abandonment your only room mates…
At least, this is how I have created and fashioned up my current understanding of this state, deep within. Made from the reality, beliefs and fears of the past thirty odd years of my life here!
So, my question is..did I do something wrong that lead to this ‘little trip’? If not, then what really happened?…
If I did..well that’s for another day I think!