I have woken up today with an increased awareness of the fact things arnt right and not working. I have been writing on it the last few days and mentioned it briefly in my last vlog.
Aware that some base paradigm/perception needs to change on how and what I have internal stated things are.
Well, I did google search this morning as this feeling is to great to ignore and I found this website. The first link I came to that describes it perfectly in these paragraphs:
‘Another common experience is feeling lost, empty, directionless, and without motivation. This is actually the remaining ego’s experience of awakeness. The ego felt the same way when it touched into Essence before awakening, which is why it ran from it then. But now it can’t escape the reality: It is no longer in charge.’
‘Its goals are no longer primary; they no longer are the driving or shaping force in life. Something else is shaping life. Something else has taken the helm, and it doesn’t operate through the mind as the ego did. ‘
‘The awakened person has to learn to allow Essence to move him or her naturally and spontaneously (through the intuition and urges to act and speak), and the ego, just as before awakening, isn’t comfortable with that. A new way of being in the world has to be learned, as the egoic mind is no longer the guiding force. ‘
This explains my state perfectly. The idea of trying to ‘continue on’ as I was, I know and feel is no longer an option. Even to get back into employment at some random job is just impossible, even though I have been umemployed the past 4 years. I cant go back.
My ‘ego’ indeed isnt happy with this, it explains the odd anxious feeling over this that I can feel now typing about it, though it is oddly distant and muffled and I can simply ‘look’ at it and observe.
I have no intention to go back, though I am struggling to learn how to now exist like this. It has indeed been years now and the feeling has only grown in those years.