I like to think this will be my last post in this section. I cannot remain in this stage indefinitely, to do so will be stagnation. I have often told myself I want to be the most prepared that I can be.
I can see now how this is the only thing that could possibly get in my way that would be of my own making and therefore, come under my own control.
I have only been aware of its effects without knowing the actual situation until now, but I have been sat here a good 30 minutes now chewing it over in my head.
Ever since the new pathway for my connection opened I have been able to see it clearly. My one fear and my one expectation that would ruin everything.
I can see myself.. looking back at me down a seeming passageway of time/space (though oddly I dont look like me, but more like my astral self) apologising that I couldn’t do it, that I knew I wouldn’t yet still went through the motions anyway.
This eerily reminds me of a visit from one of my Highers Selves in which she stood by my bed and said ‘I am sorry’ then left.
Some part of me inside knows that when it comes to doing what needs to be done, I will not do it. That I know. What I expect is disappointment.
Yes I know I have had such issues in the past, starting things but never carrying them onwards for very long, starting things I never finish, saying I will but never doing. Though this seems more than that. As such, it has become somewhat of an expectation about myself.
Commitment. I have been writing for over a decade, writing this blog for several years. Never has this commitment issue ever cropped up. In the spiritual path commitment was never a factor. I have yet to come to a point where I have failed to do something and felt such disappointment in myself or to have disappointed another and the end.
This has lead me to believe that, I can not bring commitment to where there is not already a feeling of belonging or being ‘the right thing for me’. To bring my commitment to another person’s expectation will not work. This I see nothing wrong with. If I dont feel it is right for me to do, then I will have no commitment. Therefore I should place no expectation on myself either way. Somethings have to be tried first to know if they are the right thing. If not, there is no shame or loss, I have simply learned what wasnt right for me.
So I forgive myself for all the things I gave up on and left behind. Those things I keep saying I will get into but never do. Obviously they are not important to me. Obviously there are not what I am meant to be doing and that is OK.
The question now is:
- Is this simply a self-fulfilling prophecy based from a belief and expectation?
- Is this based on a past event or another reality/level of existence?
- Is this is current future as the ways things currently are?
A bit diverse in the options but I do not like to leave any out that come to me directly and in a speedy fashion.
Another questions is:
- Is this a very specific thing it is in connection to?
- Is this a General expectation of behaviour?
I can already feel it inside. Like a curling, of disappointment for something that has already happened, slight shame. This maybe where the expectation and knowing comes from.
I will look into this and see if it is based on an event, or a concept of expectation to come. I will then make a ‘part 2’ in finishing this off after I have gone through more of my processes.